Last week I interviewed a couples therapist named Esther Perel for my book. She has her own book out, called “Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic”. It’s a really interesting, and somewhat controversial book.
She goes against some of the popular advice therapists usually give to couples having problems in the bedroom. Instead of encouraging them to communicate more and share all of their feelings, she tells them to spend more time apart! She thinks that in modern, Western society, romantic partners put too much pressure on each other to be their family, their best friend and their lover rolled into one. In order for the sex to stay hot, she claims, you need a bit of mystery in your relationship.
It was a bit hard for me to relate to a lot of what was in her book, because my relationship is only a year old and we don’t have kids getting in the way of things. But I think any couple who are starting to find that they’re better friends than they are lovers these days would find her book interesting. So far it’s only available in North America and Germany, but there’s a British release coming out that will also go to Australia and New Zealand.
Here are some controversial bits of her book that I found really interesting:
- If you have cheated on your partner and he/she doesn’t know, it may not be ‘the right thing to do’ to tell the truth. Sometimes the relationship will recover better if you just deal with the guilt yourself and don’t burden your partner with your confession.
- Couples who trust each other completely can lose the spark in their relationship. If you think there’s always a chance that your partner could be tempted away from you, you’ll be more attracted to him/her.
- You shouldn’t feel guilty if you think about someone other than your partner while you’re having sex. Pretending your partner is someone else can make sex more erotic.
- A lot of women have what they consider to be ‘rape’ fantasies and feel really conflicted about them. But on closer examination, these women are never physically hurt in the fantasies. They’re really more about submission than actual rape, and they don’t mean that the woman actually wants to be raped on some level.
What does any of this have to do with camping? Well, I asked her about the effects of getting out of the bedroom to help spice up your love life. It turns out she’s a big fan of the outdoors herself. She thinks having the sun on your face and the wind in your hair is an erotic experience in itself. I couldn’t agree more!
She also talked about how sexy it can be to see your partner in control of his or her environment. Catching a fish, lighting a campfire, or climbing a rockface – if your lover is impressing you it’s a big turn-on. This is especially true if he/she’s doing something you know you can’t do yourself.
She stressed the way nature’s unpredictability can take us beyond our comfort zone. That can also get us to think outside the box when it comes to sex. She says it’s all about using your imagination.
Anyway, you’ll get the whole story when the book comes out. But in the mean time, I wanted to share a bit of what I learned from this interesting woman. If you want to find out more about her (or her book) she has a website: http://www.eshterperel.com/
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
The International Brotherhood (and Sisterhood) of Campers
Last weekend we went on a camping trip with a very international group of acquaintances. In total there were one Canadian (me), one Australian, one New Zealander, two Germans, two South Africans, and two French.
It struck me that camping and hiking are the sort of activities that cross international and cultural borders. They are something you can bring with you no matter where life takes you. You can immediately find people who share some of your joys and values all over the world.
In fact, one of the first things I did after moving to New Zealand was join a ‘Tramping Club’. (In New Zealand backpacking is called tramping.) I figured it was the best way for me to meet people in my new home who shared a common interest with me. Since I wasn’t working yet, there were very few ways for me to meet people, and this was a great solution. I wasn’t the only one who thought so. There are people from all over the world in the club. So many people are drawn to New Zealand because of its reputation for outdoor adventure, that it’s no surprise to find new Kiwis congregating in a club that organises those adventures.
I doubt very much that G and I would have found each other if it weren’t for our common interest in camping. It was what brought us together in the first place. I was looking for someone to camp with, and if it turned into a romance so much the better! He was looking for someone who shared his passion for the outdoors. The fact that we were from very different places and very different experiences growing up didn’t really matter too much. All three couples who were on our camping trip last weekend are mixed nationalities. G and I are South African/Canadian, B and C are French and South African, M and N are Kiwi and Australian.
One of my favourite things about camping is the fact that it crosses so many divisions. Whether they are nationalities, generations or races. We’re all the same when we hit the wilderness – all humble visitors.
It struck me that camping and hiking are the sort of activities that cross international and cultural borders. They are something you can bring with you no matter where life takes you. You can immediately find people who share some of your joys and values all over the world.
In fact, one of the first things I did after moving to New Zealand was join a ‘Tramping Club’. (In New Zealand backpacking is called tramping.) I figured it was the best way for me to meet people in my new home who shared a common interest with me. Since I wasn’t working yet, there were very few ways for me to meet people, and this was a great solution. I wasn’t the only one who thought so. There are people from all over the world in the club. So many people are drawn to New Zealand because of its reputation for outdoor adventure, that it’s no surprise to find new Kiwis congregating in a club that organises those adventures.
I doubt very much that G and I would have found each other if it weren’t for our common interest in camping. It was what brought us together in the first place. I was looking for someone to camp with, and if it turned into a romance so much the better! He was looking for someone who shared his passion for the outdoors. The fact that we were from very different places and very different experiences growing up didn’t really matter too much. All three couples who were on our camping trip last weekend are mixed nationalities. G and I are South African/Canadian, B and C are French and South African, M and N are Kiwi and Australian.
One of my favourite things about camping is the fact that it crosses so many divisions. Whether they are nationalities, generations or races. We’re all the same when we hit the wilderness – all humble visitors.
International symposium on river crossing:
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
My "Inept" Article
Hi all. The November/December issue of "InTravel" online magazine is now available for your reading pleasure. It features an article by ME, called "Attack of the Killer Seals". You can enjoy it at your leisure through this link.
It's a story from my first visit to New Zealand's South Island. Have I learned anything since then? Not really!
It's a story from my first visit to New Zealand's South Island. Have I learned anything since then? Not really!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Reader Participation Time
I’m beginning to work on some revisions for "How to Make Love in a Tent", and I could use your collective help. Here are some questions to ponder – please post comments if you have responses.
If you saw the book "How to Make Love in a Tent: Romantic Camping Adventures for Wild Couples" in a shop, what sort of stuff would you be expecting (or hoping) to find inside? What kinds of topics would you want it to cover?
When you think about sex and romance in the outdoors, what concerns do you have? What are the things that would stop you from getting frisky with your partner when camping?
What would you consider the main differences between making love at home (in bed) and doing it in a different setting, such as a tent, a car, a beach or whatever?
What do you think is the most important thing to keep your love life interesting and stimulating?
Have you ever used a book or advice column to look for ideas to improve your love life? In what ways did you find them helpful? How were they not helpful?
Have a think about it, and let me know if you have any thoughts on those or other related topics. Even if you’re not a camper yourself, I’d like to hear your opinions. If you’re shy, you can be anonymous about it, or send me your response by e-mail to loveinatent AT hotmail DOT com instead of posting a comment.
Thanks for participating. Interactivity rocks!
PS - Good luck to all of the participants in this year's Novel Writing Month. Keep up that word count!
If you saw the book "How to Make Love in a Tent: Romantic Camping Adventures for Wild Couples" in a shop, what sort of stuff would you be expecting (or hoping) to find inside? What kinds of topics would you want it to cover?
When you think about sex and romance in the outdoors, what concerns do you have? What are the things that would stop you from getting frisky with your partner when camping?
What would you consider the main differences between making love at home (in bed) and doing it in a different setting, such as a tent, a car, a beach or whatever?
What do you think is the most important thing to keep your love life interesting and stimulating?
Have you ever used a book or advice column to look for ideas to improve your love life? In what ways did you find them helpful? How were they not helpful?
Have a think about it, and let me know if you have any thoughts on those or other related topics. Even if you’re not a camper yourself, I’d like to hear your opinions. If you’re shy, you can be anonymous about it, or send me your response by e-mail to loveinatent AT hotmail DOT com instead of posting a comment.
Thanks for participating. Interactivity rocks!
PS - Good luck to all of the participants in this year's Novel Writing Month. Keep up that word count!
Monday, October 23, 2006
Water, water everywhere!
(photos posted above)
The first long weekend of spring was a perfect excuse to head down to the South Island and do a bit of kayaking. Our friends P & T invited me and G along for four days in Queen Charlotte Sound.
After a couple of weeks of intensive planning (mostly by P & T) we boarded the ferry to the South Island on a stormy Thursday night. This was bad news for me. I get seasick watching badly shot TV, so a stormy crossing of the Cook Strait was guaranteed occasion to make me heave. Luckily I stocked up on Dramamine, the wonder-drug for nausea. It made me sleepy, but at least it kept my head out of the toilet on a rather rocky voyage. Our entire party made it through unscathed, but there were a lot of green faces on board.
We rented the kayaks on Friday from a place in Picton. While our original plan was to take a water taxi out to the far end of Queen Charlotte Sound where there would be fewer people, the owner decided that the forecast was too windy to let us go to such an exposed area. Instead we settled for a campground about half way along the sound, with boat access only.
This sounded like the perfect place. No hikers or mountain bikers could invade, so we thought we’d have it all to ourselves. Wrong! By the time we had set up our camp and had a bite to eat, a tour boat pulled up at the jetty and about 20 sightseers toddled onto “our” beach to have a picnic. So much for privacy!
We responded by getting into the kayaks and going off to explore the many bays of Queen Charlotte Sound. It was a beautiful, sunny day and the water was turquoise below the cloudless, blue sky. Green hills surrounded us in every direction. We even saw a couple of little blue penguins in the water (the world’s smallest penguins). As far as I was concerned, this was paradise! I barely felt the effort of my sweeping paddle.
As the afternoon wore on, the wind began to pick up. By the time we turned back towards our campground, the waves in the main channel of the sound were a metre high. It was hard work (and very wet work!) getting back to our bay. Sitting in the front, I took a few big waves right in the face. Even with a spray skirt on, I ended up sitting in a pool of water. I was exhausted but still having fun. P had not found it so fun to fight the waves, and G was sore and tired.
The tourists were long gone from our campground when we returned, but they’d been replaced by a family of sailors. They had pitched a tent for the two youngest (late teens) at the campground and were getting ready to barbeque their dinner. They also had 2 dogs with them despite the fact that dogs are not allowed at the campsite. While I hate to be unfriendly, all I wanted was a quiet evening in the wilderness. Not a loud, family barbeque with barking dogs. When they left the next morning there was garbage on the ground, and dog poo they hadn’t bothered to clean up or even throw into the woods. Nice work boaties!
The day looked gray and menacing, and by the time we got into the kayaks it was starting to drizzle. We first paddled to a nearby stream to get drinking water (which we would boil later) then out into the sounds again to explore. The rain got more persistent and G got more sore and tired, so we turned back early to take refuge in our tent. I was disappointed that we’d had only a couple of hours on the water, but I figured if Sunday was nicer it would make up for one bad day.
We woke to steady rain on Sunday. It was clearly not going to get better, and the temperature had dropped as well. We surrendered to the weather gods and called the water taxi to pick us up a day early. (Yes, our cell phones worked out there. So much for the wilderness!) We found rooms in Picton and had very, very welcome hot showers! That night we ate at a lovely little seafood restaurant by the water. It was the night before my birthday, so I had a very nice birthday dinner. (Thanks T & P!) Afterwards we even went to a café for cake. If I couldn't have a nice weekend in the sounds, this was a good substitute!
The ferry ride back to Wellington on Monday was uneventful, but the rain continued. In fact, it is still raining a day later. So my plans for three solid days of kayaking turned into one and a half. But I still had a nice trip and celebrated my birthday in the great outdoors. Next time we just have to pre-book more sunshine!
The first long weekend of spring was a perfect excuse to head down to the South Island and do a bit of kayaking. Our friends P & T invited me and G along for four days in Queen Charlotte Sound.
After a couple of weeks of intensive planning (mostly by P & T) we boarded the ferry to the South Island on a stormy Thursday night. This was bad news for me. I get seasick watching badly shot TV, so a stormy crossing of the Cook Strait was guaranteed occasion to make me heave. Luckily I stocked up on Dramamine, the wonder-drug for nausea. It made me sleepy, but at least it kept my head out of the toilet on a rather rocky voyage. Our entire party made it through unscathed, but there were a lot of green faces on board.
We rented the kayaks on Friday from a place in Picton. While our original plan was to take a water taxi out to the far end of Queen Charlotte Sound where there would be fewer people, the owner decided that the forecast was too windy to let us go to such an exposed area. Instead we settled for a campground about half way along the sound, with boat access only.
This sounded like the perfect place. No hikers or mountain bikers could invade, so we thought we’d have it all to ourselves. Wrong! By the time we had set up our camp and had a bite to eat, a tour boat pulled up at the jetty and about 20 sightseers toddled onto “our” beach to have a picnic. So much for privacy!
We responded by getting into the kayaks and going off to explore the many bays of Queen Charlotte Sound. It was a beautiful, sunny day and the water was turquoise below the cloudless, blue sky. Green hills surrounded us in every direction. We even saw a couple of little blue penguins in the water (the world’s smallest penguins). As far as I was concerned, this was paradise! I barely felt the effort of my sweeping paddle.
As the afternoon wore on, the wind began to pick up. By the time we turned back towards our campground, the waves in the main channel of the sound were a metre high. It was hard work (and very wet work!) getting back to our bay. Sitting in the front, I took a few big waves right in the face. Even with a spray skirt on, I ended up sitting in a pool of water. I was exhausted but still having fun. P had not found it so fun to fight the waves, and G was sore and tired.
The tourists were long gone from our campground when we returned, but they’d been replaced by a family of sailors. They had pitched a tent for the two youngest (late teens) at the campground and were getting ready to barbeque their dinner. They also had 2 dogs with them despite the fact that dogs are not allowed at the campsite. While I hate to be unfriendly, all I wanted was a quiet evening in the wilderness. Not a loud, family barbeque with barking dogs. When they left the next morning there was garbage on the ground, and dog poo they hadn’t bothered to clean up or even throw into the woods. Nice work boaties!
The day looked gray and menacing, and by the time we got into the kayaks it was starting to drizzle. We first paddled to a nearby stream to get drinking water (which we would boil later) then out into the sounds again to explore. The rain got more persistent and G got more sore and tired, so we turned back early to take refuge in our tent. I was disappointed that we’d had only a couple of hours on the water, but I figured if Sunday was nicer it would make up for one bad day.
We woke to steady rain on Sunday. It was clearly not going to get better, and the temperature had dropped as well. We surrendered to the weather gods and called the water taxi to pick us up a day early. (Yes, our cell phones worked out there. So much for the wilderness!) We found rooms in Picton and had very, very welcome hot showers! That night we ate at a lovely little seafood restaurant by the water. It was the night before my birthday, so I had a very nice birthday dinner. (Thanks T & P!) Afterwards we even went to a café for cake. If I couldn't have a nice weekend in the sounds, this was a good substitute!
The ferry ride back to Wellington on Monday was uneventful, but the rain continued. In fact, it is still raining a day later. So my plans for three solid days of kayaking turned into one and a half. But I still had a nice trip and celebrated my birthday in the great outdoors. Next time we just have to pre-book more sunshine!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Good news from bookland
Today I got an e-mail from the managing editor at Wilderness Press. She and my editor have had a look at my manuscript for “How to Make Love in a Tent” and they’re really pleased with how it turned out. Whew!! That’s a load off my mind. As a first-time author I had all kinds of fears about major re-writes to come.
But now I get to embark on a new adventure – the editing process! This should start next week. While it’s hard to deal with criticism about my writing, I’m trying to look at this as an opportunity to learn. After all, I’ve never had the benefit of a professional editor looking over my work before. I’m sure I’ll find out stuff I never knew, and she’ll think of improvements to my writing that would never have occurred to me. (I say all of this now, but in a week’s time I could be cursing her and tearing out my hair!)
So the next phase in my authoring life is about to begin. I’ll be sure to update you all if anything interesting or unexpected comes up. I can’t wait to see it all come together!
But now I get to embark on a new adventure – the editing process! This should start next week. While it’s hard to deal with criticism about my writing, I’m trying to look at this as an opportunity to learn. After all, I’ve never had the benefit of a professional editor looking over my work before. I’m sure I’ll find out stuff I never knew, and she’ll think of improvements to my writing that would never have occurred to me. (I say all of this now, but in a week’s time I could be cursing her and tearing out my hair!)
So the next phase in my authoring life is about to begin. I’ll be sure to update you all if anything interesting or unexpected comes up. I can’t wait to see it all come together!
Sunday, October 08, 2006
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